Are you in the very same space during mediation? – Solent Family Mediation

If you are at the point of separation, or you are currently separated or divorced, mediation might help you focus on the future.

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The Four Divorce Alternatives

Divorce mediation

No 2 marriages are the same, therefore it just follows that no two divorces will be the same, either.

In fact, if you’re a woman who’s considering divorce, you have several choices about how to continue. In general terms, you require to think about four broad classifications of divorce alternatives: Do-It-Yourself (Do It Yourself), Mediation, Collaborative and Lawsuits. Let’s have a look at the pros and cons of each one.

Do-It-Yourself Divorce

The best guidance I can give you about Do-It-Yourself Divorce, is DON’T Do-It-Yourself!

The only scenario I can envision when a Do-It-Yourself divorce may make any possible sense, may be in a case where the marital relationship lasted only 2 or three years and there are no children, little or no assets/debts to be divided, comparable incomes and no alimony. In a case like that, a Do-It-Yourself divorce could be achieved rather rapidly and inexpensively.


In divorce mediation, a separating couple deals with a neutral mediator who helps both celebrations pertain to an agreement on all aspects of their divorce. The conciliator may or might not be a lawyer, however he/she needs to be exceptionally fluent in divorce and family law. In addition, it is crucial for the mediator to be neutral and not advocate for either celebration. Both parties still need to seek advice from their own, specific lawyers during the mediation and prior to signing the final divorce settlement arrangement.

Here are a few benefits and drawbacks to think about prior to choosing if mediation will work for you.

On the “professional” side, divorce mediation might:

  • Lead to a much better long-lasting relationship with your ex-husband considering that you will not “battle” in court.
  • Be simpler on kids since the divorce proceedings may be more peaceful.
  • Speed up an agreement.
  • Reduce costs.
  • Help you stay in control of your divorce because you are deciding (and the court isn’t).
  • Enable more discretion. Mediation is private; prosecuted divorce is public.

However, on the “con” side, divorce mediation might also:

  • Waste time and money. If settlements stop working, you’ll require to begin all over.
  • Be insufficient or unduly beneficial to one partner. If the arbitrator is inexperienced or biased towards your partner, the result could be unfavorable for you.
  • Result in an unenforceable contract. A mediation agreement that’s lopsided or inadequately drafted can be challenged.
  • Result in legal complications. Any concern of law will still require to be ruled upon by the court.
  • Fail to reveal particular assets. Given that all financial info is willingly divulged and there is no subpoena of records, your husband could possibly hide assets/income.
  • Reinforce unhealthy behavior patterns. If one partner is dominating and the other is submissive, the last settlement might not be fair.
  • Fuel emotions. Mediation could increase negative habits of a partner with a propensity for physical/mental or drugs/alcohol abuse.

Couples often hear about the wonders of mediation and how it is apparently a much better, less controversial, less pricey and more “dignified” way to get a divorce. My biggest problem with mediation is that the sole role and goal of the arbitrator is to get the parties to come to an agreement– any contract! Unless both celebrations can be fairly reasonable and amicable (and if they can be, why are they getting divorced???), I believe that mediation is typically not a viable option for most females.

Collective Divorce

Simply put, collaborative divorce takes place when a couple agrees to exercise a divorce settlement without going to court.

Throughout a collective divorce both you and your hubby will each work with an attorney who has been trained in the collaborative divorce procedure. The function of the attorneys in a collaborative divorce is rather different than in a standard divorce. Each lawyer encourages and helps their customer in negotiating a settlement arrangement. You will meet your attorney individually and you and your lawyer will also meet with your hubby and his attorney. The collective process might also include other neutral experts such as a divorce monetary planner who will assist both of you work through your monetary problems and a coach or therapist who can help guide both of you through child custody and other emotionally charged problems.

In the collaborative process, you, your partner and your particular attorneys all should sign an arrangement that requires that both attorneys withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if lawsuits is threatened. If this happens, both you and your spouse need to start all over once again and discover new attorneys. Neither celebration can utilize the same lawyers once again!

Even if the collective process succeeds, you will typically need to appear in family court so a judge can sign the agreement. But the legal process can be much quicker and less costly than traditional lawsuits if the collective process works.

Unfortunately, however, I have actually discovered that the collective technique frequently doesn’t work well to settle divorces including complicated financial circumstances or when there are significant assets. In collaborative divorce, just as in mediation, all financial details (income, assets and liabilities) is disclosed willingly. Often the husband manages the “handbag strings,” and the wife is normally unaware of the information of their financial scenario. When this kind of inequality exists, the door is often wide open for the other half to conceal possessions. What’s more, lots of high net worth divorces involve businesses and expert practices where it is relatively simple to hide possessions and income. In addition, the issue of valuation can be quite controversial.

So … as a general guideline, my suggestion is this:

Do NOT utilize any of these first 3 options– Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Mediation or Collaborative Divorce– if:

  • You presume your partner is concealing assets/income.
  • Your partner is aggressive, and you have trouble speaking up or you hesitate to voice your viewpoints.
  • There is a history or danger of domestic violence (physical and/or psychological) towards you and/or your children.
  • You or your other half has a drug/alcohol addiction.

Litigated Divorce

The 4th divorce alternative is the most common. These days, most of divorcing couples pick the “conventional” model of prosecuted divorce.

Remember, though, “litigated” does not suggest the divorce winds up in court. The huge majority of all divorce cases (more than 95 percent) reach an out-of-court settlement agreement. “Lawsuits” is a legal term meaning ‘performing a suit.’

In 80 percent of cases, the decision to divorce is unilateral– one celebration wants the divorce and the other does not. That, by its very nature, produces an adversarial circumstance right from the start and typically disqualifies mediation and collective divorce, because both methods rely on the full cooperation of both parties and the voluntary disclosure of all monetary info.

Plainly, if you are beginning with an adversarial and highly emotionally charged situation, the opportunities are extremely high that partnership or mediation may fail. Why take the danger of going those routes when chances are they might fail, squandering your money and time?

The most important and most challenging parts of any divorce are coming to a contract on kid custody, division of possessions and liabilities and alimony payments (how much and for how long). Although you want your attorney to be an extremely experienced arbitrator, you do not want someone who is extremely combative, all set to eliminate over anything and whatever. An extremely contentious approach will not only extend the pain and substantially increase your legal costs, it will also be emotionally detrimental to everybody included, especially the kids.

Remember: Many divorce attorneys (or at least the ones I would advise) will always make every effort to come to a sensible settlement with the other party. If they can’t come to a sensible settlement or if the other party is totally unreasonable then, regrettably, going to court, or threatening to do so, might be the only method to resolve these issues.

If you have tried everything else, and you do end up in court, things can get truly nasty and hostile. Up till that point both attorneys were “arbitrators,” attempting to get the parties to jeopardize and come to some sensible resolution. As soon as in court, the function of each lawyer changes. Settlements and compromise move to the back burner. Their brand-new job is to “win” and get the best possible result for their customer.

And do not forget, once you’re in court, it’s a judge who knows extremely little about you and your family that will make the final decisions about your kids, your property, your money and how you live your life. That’s a huge risk for both parties to take– which’s also why the hazard of litigating is generally such a good deterrent.

Here’s my last word of suggestions about divorce options: Weigh divorce choices carefully. If you have doubts, it is great to be prepared with “Plan B” which would be the litigated divorce.

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