Can my better half come to mediation with me?

Family mediation

During mediation an independent, expertly experienced arbitrator assists you and your ex-partner exercise a contract about concerns such as:

arrangements for children after you break up (in some cases called residence or contact);.

  • child maintenance payments.
  • financial resources (for example, what to do with your home, cost savings, pension, debts)

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The 4 Divorce Alternatives

Divorce mediation

No two marriages are the same, and so it only follows that no 2 divorces will be the same, either.

In fact, if you’re a lady who’s contemplating divorce, you have numerous options about how to proceed. In general terms, you need to consider 4 broad categories of divorce options: Do-It-Yourself (DIY), Mediation, Collaborative and Litigation. Let’s have a look at the benefits and drawbacks of every one.

Do-It-Yourself Divorce

The best guidance I can give you about Do-It-Yourself Divorce, is DON’T Do-It-Yourself!

The only situation I can visualize when a Do-It-Yourself divorce might make any possible sense, might be in a case where the marital relationship lasted only two or three years and there are no children, little or no assets/debts to be divided, comparable incomes and no alimony. In a case like that, a Diy divorce could be achieved rather quickly and cheaply.


In divorce mediation, a separating couple works with a neutral conciliator who helps both parties come to an arrangement on all aspects of their divorce. Both celebrations still need to consult with their own, private lawyers throughout the mediation and prior to signing the last divorce settlement arrangement.

Here are a couple of benefits and drawbacks to consider before deciding if mediation will work for you.

On the “professional” side, divorce mediation might:

  • Result in a better long-term relationship with your ex-husband considering that you will not “combat” in court.
  • Be easier on children considering that the divorce proceedings may be more peaceful.
  • Speed up an agreement.
  • Reduce costs.
  • Help you remain in control of your divorce due to the fact that you are making the decisions (and the court isn’t).
  • Enable more discretion. Mediation is personal; prosecuted divorce is public.

On the “con” side, divorce mediation may:

  • Lose time and cash. If settlements stop working, you’ll need to begin all over.
  • Be insufficient or unduly beneficial to one spouse. If the conciliator is unskilled or prejudiced towards your spouse, the result could be undesirable for you.
  • Result in an unenforceable contract. A mediation arrangement that’s lopsided or badly prepared can be challenged.
  • Cause legal problems. Any problem of law will still require to be ruled upon by the court.
  • Fail to uncover specific assets. Since all monetary info is voluntarily divulged and there is no subpoena of records, your husband might possibly hide assets/income.
  • Enhance unhealthy habits patterns. If one spouse is dominating and the other is submissive, the final settlement might not be fair.
  • Fuel emotions. Mediation could increase negative habits of a spouse with a tendency for physical/mental or drugs/alcohol abuse.

Couples typically hear about the wonders of mediation and how it is supposedly a better, less controversial, less costly and more “dignified” way to get a divorce. My most significant issue with mediation is that the sole function and goal of the conciliator is to get the parties to come to a contract– any contract! Keep in mind, the conciliator can not offer any guidance. All they can do is attempt to get you to concur. Sadly, not all contracts are excellent contracts, and in fact, in many cases, no contract is better than a bad contract. So unless both celebrations can be relatively sensible and friendly (and if they can be, why are they getting divorced???), I think that mediation is generally not a viable choice for many females.

Collaborative Divorce

Put simply, collective divorce occurs when a couple accepts work out a divorce settlement without going to court.

During a collective divorce both you and your other half will each hire an attorney who has actually been trained in the collective divorce procedure. The function of the lawyers in a collaborative divorce is rather various than in a standard divorce. Each lawyer recommends and helps their customer in negotiating a settlement arrangement. You will meet with your lawyer individually and you and your attorney will also consult with your husband and his attorney. The collaborative procedure might likewise involve other neutral experts such as a divorce monetary coordinator who will assist both of you resolve your financial issues and a coach or therapist who can help assist both of you through kid custody and other emotionally charged concerns.

In the collective procedure, you, your husband and your particular attorneys all should sign an arrangement that requires that both lawyers withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if litigation is threatened. If this takes place, both you and your other half must begin all over once again and discover brand-new attorneys. Neither party can utilize the same lawyers once again!

Even if the collective procedure is successful, you will normally need to appear in family court so a judge can sign the agreement. The legal procedure can be much quicker and less costly than conventional litigation if the collaborative process works.

Though, I have discovered that the collaborative method frequently doesn’t work well to settle divorces involving complex monetary circumstances or when there are significant properties. In collaborative divorce, just as in mediation, all monetary information (income, possessions and liabilities) is revealed voluntarily. What’s more, numerous high net worth divorces involve services and expert practices where it is reasonably simple to hide possessions and earnings.

… as a basic guideline, my recommendation is this:

Do NOT utilize any of these very first 3 alternatives– Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Mediation or Collaborative Divorce– if:

  • You presume your spouse is concealing assets/income.
  • Your husband is prideful, and you have trouble speaking up or you’re afraid to voice your viewpoints.
  • There is a history or risk of domestic violence (physical and/or mental) towards you and/or your children.
  • You or your husband has a drug/alcohol dependency.

Litigated Divorce

The fourth divorce choice is the most common. Nowadays, most of divorcing couples choose the “traditional” model of prosecuted divorce.

Remember, however, “litigated” does not suggest the divorce winds up in court. The large bulk of all divorce cases (more than 95 percent) reach an out-of-court settlement arrangement. “Lawsuits” is a legal term meaning ‘carrying out a claim.’

Why are claims a part of divorce? Since contrary to popular belief, divorce generally does not involve two people equally consenting to end their marriage. In 80 percent of cases, the choice to divorce is unilateral– one party desires the divorce and the other does not. That, by its very nature, produces an adversarial situation right from the start and frequently disqualifies mediation and collective divorce, considering that both approaches rely on the full cooperation of both celebrations and the voluntary disclosure of all financial details.

Plainly, if you are beginning with an adversarial and extremely mentally charged scenario, the possibilities are really high that collaboration or mediation may stop working. Why take the danger of going those routes when odds are they might stop working, wasting your money and time?

The most crucial and most difficult parts of any divorce are pertaining to an agreement on kid custody, department of assets and liabilities and alimony payments (just how much and for for how long). You desire your lawyer to be an extremely knowledgeable mediator, you don’t want somebody who is extremely combative, all set to fight over anything and everything. An excessively controversial method will not only lengthen the discomfort and considerably increase your legal charges, it will also be emotionally harmful to everybody included, especially the children.

Remember: Many divorce attorneys (or a minimum of the ones I would recommend) will always aim to come to a sensible settlement with the other party. However if they can’t concern an affordable settlement or if the other party is completely unreasonable then, regrettably, going to court, or threatening to do so, might be the only way to resolve these issues.

Up up until that point both lawyers were “mediators,” attempting to get the parties to jeopardize and come to some reasonable resolution. As soon as in court, the function of each lawyer modifications.

And do not forget, when you remain in court, it’s a judge who knows really little about you and your family that will make the decisions about your kids, your residential or commercial property, your money and how you live your life. That’s a very big danger for both celebrations to take– and that’s likewise why the hazard of litigating is typically such an excellent deterrent.

Here’s my last word of suggestions about divorce alternatives: Weigh divorce choices thoroughly. The bottom line is that every family, and every divorce, is different. Clearly, if you are able to work with your other half to make decisions and both of you are honest and reasonable, then mediation or the collective approach may be best. If you have doubts, it is great to be all set with “Plan B” which would be the prosecuted divorce.

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